Survivor's guilt
by amal-rukia
Summary: After the battle against the raiders, Clementine blames herself for the outcome, and thinks of all the people she watched die. Violet notices, and tries to comfort her. (Violentine if you squint.)


" _Lee would have been so heartbroken, knowing he taught you all the wrong things."_

She watched as the last flame was extinguished, and as the world turned back to darkness. Even the stars that she was gazing at earlier, lost their brilliance.

Lee would have saved them. Lee would have prevented Lilly from taking them away.

Lee taught her right, but perhaps _she_ was the problem.

Everyone that came in contact with her died.

Mitch, Marlon, and Brody… they died.

So did Kenny, and Jane, and Luke, and Omid…

 _So did Lee, handcuffed inside a building in the same city as her dead parents, with a bullet to the head that she shot herself._

It was something that has always been on Clementine's mind since she never stopped blaming herself for his death.

As much as she hated to agree with Lilly… She was right about one thing.

Lee would have survived longer, if he left her behind back in that tree house.

She would have ran out of the food eventually, but he would be alive.

Clementine felt a small hand hold hers, and she looked down to see AJ staring at her in concern. She smiled at him, and squeezed his hand.

He was a smart kid. He always knew when she needed his comfort.

What was she thinking? Where would AJ be if she had died?

Lilly was just messing with her, manipulating her into thinking that. Although Clementine would be lying to herself if she said she never thought about it.

"Are you okay, Clem?" He asked, and she bent down to hug him.

"I am. Thank you, Goofball." He frowned at the nickname, but said nothing. She pulled away, and looked away to find Tenn standing next to Violet, his shoulders slouched over. "How about you keep Tenn company? I think he needs it."

They both turned to look at Mitch's corpse.

AJ turned to her, and nodded.

"What about Abel?" He glared at the man tied up. The same man who shot him and kept showing up in his nightmares.

"We'll interrogate him tomorrow. I don't think he can talk in his current shape." She said, then sighed. "As much as I hate it, we need to treat his wounds. If he dies from blood loss, then we'll lose our chance to save the others."

The boy glared at him for a while longer, before nodding, understanding that he won't be able to save Louis if Abel died.

He _really_ wanted him to die though.

Clem gave him a look, knowing exactly what he was thinking about. His obsession with the man was starting to freak her out, and with what happened with Marlon…

There might no longer be 'right' or 'wrong' in this world, but she still wanted to teach him. She wanted him to keep his humanity, something that a lot of people lost sight of. People like Lilly.

She stared at Mitch, and felt her heart sink deeper.

He didn't deserve that. He might not have been welcoming of her at first, but he shouldn't have died like that.

Willy was crying by his side. She has always seen the two together.

"Clem, we need to bury him." Ruby approached her, tears visible in her eyes. In the short time that she has known her, she knew that she hated conflict just as much as hated not being able to save someone…

"I know. It's the least we can do." Clementine said, and the boy turned to them, glaring. It wasn't out of hatred, she could tell. He just didn't want to let go of his friend. She glanced at Ruby, who looked back with a somber expression.

"Maybe we should give him some time." She said. "We can bury him tomorrow. I don't think any of us can have a funeral right now. I'm going to take care of… that guy's injuries before you guys take him to the basement."

"Thanks Ruby…" Clementine said, sighing and putting a hand on the girl's shoulder before walking away.

She stayed to protect them, but it seemed like she caused more harm than good.

She wished Lee was here. She wished she could be vulnerable and cry on his shoulder, and he would tell her that it's okay. He would call her his sweetpea and kiss her forehead, and she would feel safe again.

But he wasn't here.

Lee can never be here.

"Clem?" AJ called for her, but she wasn't responding. She kept walking.

"What's wrong AJ?" Violet, who just finished cleaning some of the mess the raiders left, walked to him. She took a look at Tenn in concern. He hugged Rosie and refused to look at anyone.

He was blaming himself for Mitch's death.

"It's Clem. I worry when she gets like that." He said, watching his friend leave. Violet looked down at him, wondering what he meant. "I know she's sad, but she never tells me what's wrong. It's like she's not with me." He tried to explain, but he couldn't quite express his feelings about it.

"I'll go after her." She smiled, resting a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you for staying with Tenn."

"He's my first real friend." AJ responded with a smile. "I don't want him to be hurt."

"Isn't Clem your first real friend?" Violet raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah but, she's old." He said, then his eyes widened in panic. "Don't tell her I said that."

She loved this kid, she really did. Despite everything that has happened tonight, he managed to make her chuckle.

She shook her head, and went after Clementine. She noticed her going into the tower, which reminded her of the moment they shared there. She smiled, but that smile disappeared as soon as she remembered what came after.

Louis, Aaism, Omar… They had to get them back.

With that thought, she started climbing.

Clementine was sitting on the same spot as a few hours earlier. She held her hat, staring at it. It was dirty, with holes in it. She tried stitching it, but it could never go back to how it used to be.

Just like her.

She lost so many people, and while she always moved forward, it didn't mean that these deaths didn't affect her.

It didn't mean she wasn't feeling the guilt of surviving, while so many good people have died.

"You know…" She was startled by Violet's voice, but didn't turn. The girl sat next to her, and glanced at the hat. "I've always found it strange that you never take off that hat." She admitted, while Clementine gently moved her thumb on its fabric. "It's weird seeing you without it."

"It's from my dad. It's the only thing I have left from my parents." She answered, and a faint smile appeared on her face. "You know, I have this friend back in Richmond, his name is Javi. He used to play baseball, and he promised me that if I came back with AJ he would teach him how to play." Her smile widened for a moment. "His nephew Gabe is my friend too, the last friend who was about my age before I met you guys… It's been years since I saw them. I hope they're alive."

Violet stared at her for a moment, not used to her friend talking about her past, at least not this way. Since she came here, she refrained from talking about her past as much as she could.

"I'm sorry, Vi."

"For what?" Violet shook her hand, unsure what to say.

"They took Louis, Omar, and Aasim, and I couldn't stop them." Clementine said, wearing her hat again. "You've been fine for a year and then I came out of nowhere, and everyone's life turned upside down."

"None of this shit is your fault, Clem. It's those raiders' fucking fault. They're the ones to blame!" The blonde said, feeling angry. She wanted to kill them, for taking Minnie and Sophie away, and now killing Mitch and taking the others. "If it weren't for you, they would have taken us all."

"You don't get it. I…" Clementine started, but then she shook her head, staring into the distance.

"Clem?" Violet could see what AJ meant earlier. She was blaming herself so much, that it seemed like she was stuck in her own head. She has never seen her that way. "Talk to me." She said, and she hesitated before resting her hand on top of hers.

The gesture made Clementine take a deep breath.

"When it all started, I hid in my tree house. My parents were on a trip, and they left me with my babysitter. She turned." She started, and the blonde silently listened. "A man showed up, and he said he would take care of me until I find my parents. His name was Lee."

She paused, and Violet was contemplating whether she should comment about the fact she trusted a complete stranger to take care of her, or to keep it to herself.

Then she remembered what Clementine said, back when Louis asked her _that_ during the card game.

Violet frowned, knowing where this story was going.

"We've been through so much together, always a team." She said, smiling at the memory of the man so dear to her heart. "He was my friend, but he was also like a father to me. He did everything to protect me, and he always knew the right thing to do. He taught me how to shoot, and he cut my hair so that the walkers could never grab me. I loved him so much." She let out a shaky breath. "And he got bit because of me, and I had to shoot him."

"Clem, I…" Violet tried to say something, but Clem only shook her head.

"Then I got Omid killed, because I was an idiot. He and Christa were expecting a child… Then there was Luke, I couldn't save him. Then Jane, who I left to die because I couldn't shoot Kenny… Kenny who died while giving me and AJ a chance to survive… what Abel said to me while we were fighting was true. A lot of people died, so that I could come this far."

Survivor's guilt.

Violet heard Ruby talk about it once.

It was something they all felt. It was the guilt of surviving, while others couldn't.

Violet knew she wasn't the best at comforting people, and she certainly wasn't the best with words, but…

"I'm glad you're here, Clem." She started. She didn't know the right words to say, so all she could do was be honest. "You're the only who has… ever come back, and it means a lot." She said, and her eyes looked away, when Clementine turned to her. "Because of Marlon's fuck ups, we lost a lot of our friends. You're our friend too, we don't want to lose you Clem."

"But I got you into this mess."

"You didn't." Violet shook her head, and her voice came out stern this time, showing that she was having none of it. "You're fighting to protect us, and we'll do the same for you. I can tell you've gone through some fucked up shit, and I'm not letting you deal with it on your own, okay?"

Clementine's hand moved to hold the hand that was resting on top of it.

"Okay."

The blonde smiled, feeling satisfied with the answer.

"I might not know this Lee guy, but, I have a feeling he'd be proud of you." She said, a bit nervous. She knew this was a touchy subject, and she started panicking when her words made Clementine cry, a sight she has never seen before. Before she could apologize, Clem spoke.

"Thank you." She looked back at her, with a warm expression. "I know Lee would have liked you."

"Oh yeah?" Violet gave her a surprised look, before smirking. "I guess that if there's one thing you take after him other than adopting children in the apocalypse, it's his weird taste in people."

"Shut up." Clementine chuckled, finally feeling like herself again.

She couldn't lose herself. She had friends she needed to save.


End file.
